Firstly, I want to state if you can drink and do drugs all day and night than do it. Not more, but the most power to you. I commend your drive and desire. I just couldn't take being one person at night and than someone else the next day. I know I am not the only one that feels this way but at the time I did. I wasn't acting fake. I was just lost. It was tiring, frustrating, and financially bankrupting to keep doing what I was doing . I have just completed over a year of not drinking or doing any hard drugs. That means no Friday night meet ups with the boys or late night calls to the dope man to score a bag. Usually they were one in the same. How do I feel? Well life still goes on but today I can most definitely handle what is on the horizon. It's not always good or bad but I know that I can get through it. I have a feeling of inner worth knowing that I have the life skills to make my own decisions . I am okay doing things on my own now as I used to be fearful making decisions alone. I know, what a pussy. 
I will admit that I never stopped smoking marijuana . This blog isn't about me justifying my life to anyone except God or whomever the higher being is up there in the sky . Do some people think marijuana is bad? I am sure they are out there but I know what works for me. I keep the smoking quiet unless someone asks me, but for the most part I am always down for a good puff. Now here in lies the debate. I go to Alcoholics Anonymous . I am an alcoholic because without drinking I don't desire to do half the shit I would do being drunk. This includes talking too much, spending too much, and pretending too much. I participate in the meetings . I would never sponsor anyone unless I was completely "sober". Those are the rules. I get a lot out of the program. For instance you can share and laugh within the meetings. I am with people that feel like I do. I would never take away from the benefit of AA, but I can't always say I follow it 100%. It's free and bases it existence on donations from fellow members. I have met a lot of great people in AA. And without AA I would not be alcohol-free today. My main knock on AA is I don't feel like talking about drugs and alcohol all day long. I wasn't doing that when I was drinking and using so why do I want to talk about it all the time when I am not ? But maybe that is part of the attraction to AA. Most of the time talking about having a problem with alcohol or drugs is a no-no to all the "normal" people out there.
The conclusion to all this is I don't drink and use today. I feel much better. I am in a place that I never though possible one year ago. I do miss all my old friends that I used to get drunk with. I am sure they are on the same bar stool. That doesn't mean I don't want a huge Pina Colada or the coldest Bud Light in the world. I do, but like anything in life I have to make choices. One choice leads me to confidence and spiritual growth and the other leads to short term highs with really low lows . If you would have asked me ten years ago I would have taken the highs and the lows. But now I just want more . Can you blame me?
