I just want to look like I play Golf

I am the worst golfer ever. Maybe in the history of the world. When I need to hit it straight it goes right and when I am nearing water my ball is attracted to getting wet . I used to consider myself hopeless in the game of golf but I have finally found my calling. Instead of practicing and being a good golfer I am going for "Looking" like a great golfer . I have thrown out going to the practice range and searching for professional help. It's a waste of time any money. Anyone can hit a golf ball down a wide open space. And anyone can let a club pro jerk them off for $150 an hour. I believe golf is one of those games where you just have to play and play as much as you can.

So my mission is to look like a good golfer. I had my old clubs gripped with bright red.  I hit the clearance clothes racks at Haggin Oaks and Golf Galaxy for the goofiest golf shit. I made sure that my shoes match my belt and match my hat too. I do that anyway, but when I match, people think you know what you're talking about . I also found a great deal on some legit golf balls that have been barely touched . I should have gotten my name slapped on them but that will be my next move.
The next step to looking like a good to great golfer is speed of play. Like I said before I don't hit the driving range. I only have so many good shots in me and I ain't trying to waste them on the driving range. When it is my turn to hit, I'm ready. I don't take thirty practice swings and I don't have to make sure my ball is in the perfect place. I will pick my ball up in front of everyone and better my position. Golf is war and there are no rules in war.

When I put all these things together I pretty much look like I am coming off the tour. That is until I hit the ball . Then you realize that I am just some sack trying to act like I play .

One Year Without The Drink

Firstly, I want to state if you can drink and do drugs all day and night than do it. Not more, but the most power to you. I commend your drive and desire. I just couldn't take being one person at night and than someone else the next day. I know I am not the only one that feels this way but at the time I did. I wasn't acting fake. I was just lost.  It was tiring, frustrating, and financially bankrupting to keep doing what I was doing .  I have just completed over a year of not drinking or doing any hard drugs. That means no Friday night meet ups with the boys or late night calls to the dope man to score a bag. Usually they were one in the same.  How do I feel? Well life still goes on but today I can most definitely handle what is on the horizon. It's not always good or bad but I know that I can get through it. I have a feeling of inner worth knowing that I have the life skills to make my own decisions . I am okay doing things on my own now as I used to be fearful making decisions alone. I know, what a pussy.

  I will admit that I never stopped smoking marijuana . This blog isn't about me justifying my life to anyone except God or whomever the higher being is up there in the sky .  Do some people think marijuana is bad? I am sure they are out there but I know what works for me. I keep the smoking quiet unless someone asks me, but for the most part I am always down for a good puff.

Now here in lies the debate. I go to Alcoholics Anonymous . I am an alcoholic because without drinking I don't desire to do half the shit I would do being drunk. This includes talking too much, spending too much, and pretending too much.   I participate in the meetings . I would never sponsor anyone unless I was completely "sober". Those are the rules. I get a lot out of the program. For instance you can share and laugh within the meetings. I am with people that feel like I do. I would never take away from the benefit of AA, but I can't always say I follow it 100%. It's free and bases it existence on donations from fellow members. I have met a lot of great people in AA. And without AA I would not be alcohol-free today. My main knock on AA is I don't feel like talking about drugs and alcohol all day long. I wasn't doing that when I was drinking and using so why do I want to talk about it all the time when I am not ? But maybe that is part of the attraction to AA. Most of the time talking about having a problem with alcohol or drugs is a no-no to all the "normal" people out there.

The conclusion to all this is I don't drink and use today. I feel much better. I am in a place that I never though possible one year ago.  I do miss all my old friends that I used to get drunk with. I am sure they are on the same bar stool. That doesn't mean I don't want a huge Pina Colada or the coldest Bud Light in the world. I do, but like anything in life I have to make choices. One choice leads me to confidence and spiritual growth and the other leads to short term highs with really low lows . If you would have asked me ten years ago I would have taken the highs and the lows. But now I just want more . Can you blame me?

Who am I?

Who Am I? This is seamlessly an impossible question for me to answer. I could tell you who I was. A student, a musician, a rugby player, a drunk, a jokester, a cheat, and a thief. I could tell you whom I would like to become. A father, a husband, a leader, an owner, a provider . But I have a really tough time telling you who I am now. I think I am mixture of all. I know where I want to go but I can't seem to shake the persona of what I was. Does everyone have this issue or am I the only one ?  It's fun to  think about the past and it's intriguing to predict the future but it's kind of scary living in the present. The present appears to be so unpredictable and ever changing . I feel like I get my heartbroken a few times a week. I am slowly moving from what everyone else is doing to just worrying about myself and my immediate circle . That is a tough transisiton. I amost feel like I am trying to not care so much anymore. But in reality I am caring more about stuff that is important to me .

Appreciate the Stress of the Life you Choose

I accept it. The stress that is. The stress of the life I choose. I chose to wake up at 5am everyday to go hustle in the mortgage business. I could be a barista or a janitor if I chose to be . Live a stress free existence . But that shit ain't for Cam Villa. But neither is speaking in the third person. I like the stress. Bring it all on me. I don't crack that easily. And if and when I do I will act accordingly. But do  really even know what stress really is? I don't have kids and I don't have a mortgage. I do still live paycheck to paycheck but it's getting better . Or maybe I am just getting smarter. I stopped drinking and doing hard drugs over 6 months ago and that has brought a mental clarity that has been amazing. It doesn't erase the stress but it allows me to cope. The more minutes of the day that I am myself , the more chances I get to get to succeed. And in this life it's about getting in as many swings as I can.

To One Day Walk Again

It's been tough. Not being able to walk. I mean we have all had bouts of a sprained ankle or a twisted knee and had to stay off of it for a few days. But it is tough to imagine having to be immobile for an extended period of time. That's me. I haven't walked in over a month and a half and I won't be able to walk for at least another  7 to 8 weeks . This broken leg is the worse. It's like having a permanent sign over my head that reads "Ask Me What Happened?" I am determined to be a functioning part of society again soon but I can only do so much.

It's depressing to think about . Living in a world where seeing steps make my palms sweaty and the thought of rain or ice bring on thoughts of immediate defeat. All I want to do is run up a flight of stairs or jump over the smallest of obstacles . But I am stuck holding these pair of crutches and forced to move at others pace. I go to my second doctors appointment tomorrow in hopes of good news. Maybe I am healing faster than usual or maybe I can start physical therapy sooner rather than later?

The best part about breaking my leg is everyday has been an improvement. I mean I literally wake up in a better mood every morning. My leg feels better and my relationship with life is improving daily. I am so thankful for the woman in my life because without her I would be spending days on the couch moping around . I am even back at work because "the bills" don't care if your leg is broken . Having this broken leg has made me appreciate the power of the human mind and the strength of my loved ones. I know i can be a real pain in the ass but that same drive is what is going to get me moving on both of these legs soon.

The only advice I can offer and I know it always sounds cliche but don't waste the things you have . And if you do waste them they weren't ever meant to be yours in the first place . I could complain all day about this but then I realize I will walk again and that is a lot more than others are working with.

On the Road to Recovery

Tibial Plateau Fracture

          It has been a little bit since I have been able to write on this blog. I am recovering from a pretty severe broken leg that I got playing in hopefully my very last rugby game.  I am currently staying at my parents house because my residence has a claw bathtub that I can't get into and way too many steps. But hey, I am alive and I will recover from this. Maybe not financially, as I viewed part of my insurance claim, for the first three days it was sixty thousand dollars.  I have never even made sixty thousand in a year except that one time. So the money part of it I can't really even fathom. I stayed in the hospital for a total of 8 days
         The truth is I am getting better every single day. I can now move my leg and do things I thought were impossible 7 days ago. I might not walk in the year 2011 but that doesn't mean I can't embrace this road to recovery. I am so thankful to have my family, my girlfriend, and a great group of friends supporting me through this. It was a very traumatic experience and when I think about the injury I get a little choked up . The though of hearing my leg crack into a bunch of pieces doesn't do a lot for one's self confidence.

        The injury I sustained is called a tibial plateau fracture. Pretty much it means you shattered your leg right below the knee. It is an injury often seen in car vs pedestrian accidents   It has taken two plates and tens screws just to get my leg back to normal. I guess airport security is now going to be an ongoing issue. The folks at Enloe Hospital and UC Davis Hospital treated me great. I can't thank them enough for taking care of this old crabby baby.
Right now I got one leg but soon enough I will have two. So watch out world cause Cam Villa will be back .

After surgery

Back in the Studio

It has been a very long time or pretty much never since I have gotten back to the studio. But I have started to write and get down some songs for the new Vitamin P CD. It has been almost ten years since I have done a recording that I would be proud of handing off to a stranger . Ever since my band mate Christian Bartesch died in a car accident on Jun 14th 2003, Vitamin P went our separate ways, and I haven't had much of a drive to put music down. I will throw a flow down anytime and any place but as far as completing a music project I just wasn't feeling it. I got the vibe again when Ben Hazard came back from NYC but that was short lived because he had other projects going on. And I am sure my own addictions killed that friendship.  I finally had to sack up and attempt this creative process on my own. And that is the new journey.

Pete Cole, Cashel, and Colin Bodine

A young kid by the name of Colin Bodine has provided some drive for me to complete my CD. He is a former rugby player that I used to coach at Rio Americano High School many years ago and now he is a local musician that plays a lot of small gigs around Sacramento. Just watching his energy and free spirit has put a pretty good impression on this old rapper. Helping him get some of his music recorded and seeing him grow has made me realize what it's all about. Another person putting in a lot of time and effort into the project is Peter Cole of Sanctuary Studios. He has been true to his word and provided a lot of insight of the best way to make something I am proud to call my own .

Ultimately it is up to me and I know this now. Talking is only good when you have something to show for it . Otherwise it is just hot air. Look for some tracks in the next couple months and I hope everyone enjoys them .

Keep that Pitcher Full. Not that kind of Pitcher

As of right now I feel overwhelmed, overworked , and under appreciated. I feel overwhelmed cause their are so many things I want to do in this world. I want to be a Rugby Coach, a Musician, and hopefully one day own my own Real Estate Company. What the fuck? It couldn't be any different . I sound like a 6 year old kid telling everyone how he wants to be a football player when I grow up . You know the way you talk before life gets in the way . Stupid talk.

I feel overworked because no matter what I do the end result always changes. Maybe it is the lack of leadership I currently possess at my job? In "real life" I could coach forty Ruggers or put together an hour long concert. But in my employment life I am watcher. I am not making any move without a proper review of the task. I have been burned too many times.  I am not trying to waste an extra life. I work with salesmen all day. And if you're not careful you can get sold on their ideas. Which when it comes to a salesmen it is usually them selling you on doing their work for them. Typical shit .

And lastly I feel under appreciated because of my wallet. Actually my wallet is feeling under appreciated because seldom does anything go into it without most of it coming back out .  Working in a 100% commission industry can only bring more stress into your life. My wallet is light and sad.

As of right now I feel like I am letting life step all over me. I have this notion in my head that the fuller my pitcher is than the less opportunity I have to fail . But in actuality having such  a full pitcher has allowed me to step away from more important projects in order to please everyone . But pleasing does not pay the rent . Unless you're a prostitute. Which is something I am trying to avoid at all cost. so I am going to either pour some water out of this pitcher or get a smaller container.  

Go San Francisco Giants. Keep it Heavy on the Luck and Bring God



Willie M



Usually I am the guy that says "Fuck Baseball!" Compared to Basketball or Football it doesn’t hold a candle to my attention span. Though Rugby is my game of choice, in the United States, it isn't getting a lot of television play. So here we are with baseball. Ready to embark on the San Francisco Giants' quest to win the World Series. I know they can do it but what happens when something you have dreamed of all your life becomes a reality? You have been thanking all of these underlying feelings your entire life. Those feeling might as well be bullshit but they have seemed to work. God and Luck may as well be the same thing. Neither got professional players to the point that they are at but we can all pretend can't we? I mean at some point both entities may or may not have played a role in the success of the individual. But the player draws power in knowing that even if it didn’t it would be hard to prove against. It is sort of like relating your good looks to a parent. That person may not even be your real Dad but you get a sense of accomplishment and strength knowing these physical attributes were originally from them.

      This brings me to my next point. What is wrong with pretending, using your imagination, or making it all up to benefit you? Sounds like a game plan to me. Make it all up if it gets you to the spot of optimum performance. It is sort of like reciting you third grade baseball team in your head while you're pounding a hot chick. Bringing random thoughts and scenarios in your head assists you in becoming the best at that point in time. Or at least it keeps the momentum going until she is satisfied. You know how bitches are…

So my thoughts to the Giants are be fake, make it up, bullshit your way tot he top because if you look at the stats, media, or the history than you are going to lose. I will be giving you all my good luck lasers and praying to Allah in hopes that you will win the World Series and tell the Rangers to go "Fuck Themselves". Good luck to you San Francisco Giants.